Silence

cc

Lately, I've begun to appreciate the silence more. I know, it sounds like an unnecessary thing to say, but silence used to terrify me. Sometimes it still does. No sound from anywhere except your screaming thoughts... it has the potential to be awful.

But life is hectic. Life is hurried and breathless and dizzying. Life leaves little room for anything; my thoughts and I are strangers, my words can't slow anything down, my hands only aid in the acceleration.

The rare moment of silence, of being alone. I hate being alone, usually, but, this past month at least, the state hasn't bothered me as much as it usually does.

Don't get me wrong, my thoughts are screaming more than usual. I've reached a point in my life where there are so many people who will listen but so few I am actually willing to talk to*. So I hold all the words inside, hold them and let life's fury carry me away, silently, deliberately, to avoid facing everything I have to.

I speak fewer words than I used to. It's like the sound of my own voice surprises me, a new sensation entirely. I don't know why I'm writing this here, of all places, but I figured it's about time I admit it.

I'm using silence the same way I used to use busy-ness. As a way to run away. As a way to avoid facing what I need to.

Status: it's working.


*I'd like to clarify that the fault in this is mine, and mine alone. My friends are wonderful, incredibly so.